A Positive Abortion Story

[Guest post by Jaden Fitzherbert, cross-posted at NB Media Co-op.]

Here is my story.

I had a miscarriage before I made my abortion appointment. I realized that I was pregnant in my third year of university, when I got back from Christmas break. I had denied it for about a month and when I arrived back in Fredericton and still felt ill and hadn’t gotten my period I decided that I should take a pregnancy test.

I bussed to Wal-Mart, bought the test and ashamedly took the bus back to my UNB residence. How could I possibly be pregnant? I was well educated on safe sex practices, I was using birth control and my partner at the time was using condoms. I waited in my room, alone and terrified about seeing a positive pregnancy test, the few minutes that I waited seemed like an eternity. With shaky hands I checked the result. There it was, mocking almost, a positive pregnancy test. I was devastated. I wasn’t ready to become a mother, heck, I wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted to have kids. I knew in my heart that my current partner was not the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I knew that I did not want to raise a child with him.

There is this strange feeling, one that I’ve heard other women who have experienced unwanted pregnancies describe, a feeling that your body no longer belongs to you, that you are no longer in control of what is happening to you. I decided at that moment that I would call the Morgentaler Clinic in the morning and make an appointment for an abortion. I didn’t have the money to pay for it, but I also knew that it would take too long to get a referral from my doctor (assuming that he would give me the referral), and go through the public system, so I decided that I would somehow come up with the money to pay for the procedure.

I went to bed that night, crying, not because I was sad or felt guilty about my decision, but because I knew what an uphill battle it was going to be. I woke up in the middle of the night with intense cramps, I had no idea what was going on, but I spent the rest of the night in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Finally I passed what I assume was the fetus. I distinctly remember feeling so incredibly relieved, I was no longer pregnant, and I did not have to try to come up with the money for my abortion. It was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

At first I didn’t tell anyone about what had happened, not my then partner, not my parents and not my friends. I was afraid that people would judge me for feeling so happy and relieved that I had had a miscarriage. After a few months I started opening up about my experience and people shamed me -judged me. People told me that I should grieve the loss of my pregnancy, even though the pregnancy was unwanted to begin with. I stopped telling people, and went on with my life as if it had never happened. This was four years ago, and I’ve decided to no longer be silent.

Two years ago I started volunteering at the Fredericton Morgentaler Clinic, and I was amazed by what I found there. I was welcomed, with open arms, into a community of people who were loving, compassionate and they taught me that I should not feel ashamed about my feelings towards my miscarriage and unwanted pregnancy, but most importantly, they taught me that, contrary to what I had been told by other people. I wasn’t broken.

I’ve never felt regret or grieved over my miscarriage, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life, and for that I am eternally thankful and grateful. There are many women, who like me, are happy, healthy, who have no regrets and who do not grieve their abortions or their miscarriages, but a lot of the time our voices get lost in the shame that is projected on to us from the anti-choice movement that tells us if we don’t feel grief or regret we are not “real women” or we are terrible people.

To all the women out there who feel as though they are unable to speak out about their experience, you are loved and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not broken.

* * * * * *

Here at DJ! we've written often about the shameful and illegal abortion access situation in New Brunswick.

We've also written about the effects of stigmatization of abortion.

Abortion is a normal part of women's lives. It is an ordinary, safe medical procedure. There should be NO barriers and NO stigma to it.

There is a general provincial election in New Brunswick on September 22. Will politicians listen to the good sense of the people? Or will they continue to treat New Brunswickers like irresponsible children?

Stay tuned.

By the way, DAMMIT JANET! welcomes abortion stories. They are common and we will print yours, with or without your name.

Stigma

'I don't want to get pregnant now' would probably be the quick answer from most women using some form of birth control if asked for a reason.

'I don't want to be pregnant now' should be the only answer a woman seeking an abortion needs if asked for a reason.

And the grand thing is -- in Canada it is the only reason a woman has to give. Because abortion in Canada has been a legal, normal medical procedure for over 25 years.

Yet Judith Timson says that most women won't talk about their abortions because that is the very reason they had them.

She opens with a story of her own (slight) brush with abortion, then goes on to the gigantic hubbub going on the US at the moment. She notes that many, many moving and tragic abortion stories were told in the vain effort to derail the debacle in Texas.

But she think the 'normalizing' or 'destigmatizing' campaign is a waste of time.

No matter how moving your story is, many will argue your abortion was unnecessary and evil and you’re a murderer. Abortion stories don’t seem to change the minds of opponents. If anything, they harden their stances.

First, a serious quibble: I don't know Timson's definition of 'many', but to me, a tiny minority is not 'many'. Here in sane Canada, only 6 per cent of people want a total ban on abortion. Compare that to a recent poll showing that 17 per cent of Americans support a total ban.

She says women she knows here in sane Canada don't want to talk about their abortions because it's private.

Fine. No one is demanding they do. Privacy is paramount in all things medical.

But then she quotes a woman of her acquaintance.

Most women who choose an abortion don’t do so because they’ve been raped or because of severe fetal abnormalities, she continued. “They do it for the same reason I did. It just was not the right time or circumstance in which to be pregnant.”

They didn't want to be pregnant, in other words.

Just like I didn't want to be the host of that bothersome skin thingy I had a dermatologist remove.

Stigma still surrounds abortion, here as well as in the Excited States.

Stigma is a powerful silencing tool.

Stigma is fed when the media gives an over-loud representation to the tiny minority of liars and haters. Stigma is fed when even pro-choice columnists like Timson casually allude to it as if it's inevitable.

Destigmatization works to normalize and validate peoples' choices and circumstances. When we get to know that people we know and love are/have/have done some 'unspeakable' condition or action, it shifts our views. Maybe only a little, but things change.

If you've had an abortion and don't want to talk about it, fine. But if you have and refuse to be shamed by your choice, tell someone.

We can take the stigma off abortion. And lay it where it belongs -- on the misogynist minority who would deprive women of their rights.

Fetus Fetishists Enabled Gosnell

Kermit Gosnell's trial for murder has begun and the fetus fetishists are fapping themselves into a frenzy. As we pointed out here, he will be The Poster Boy for Evul Abortionists forever, or until another one comes along.

Also in that post, we pointed squarely at the fetus fetishists themselves for creating the stigma, harassment, and onerous and pointless regulations that allow such monsters to operate and, indeed, flourish in poor neighbourhoods.

But this little morsel is delicious. It seems the clinic harassers did NOT target Gosnell.

One former patient at the clinic told a state Senate committee that women in her neighborhood knew Gosnell offered the cheapest abortions available. Another Gosnell patient told the Associated Press that she had intended to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic but was scared away by antiabortion protesters. An acquaintance suggested Gosnell's clinic, where protesters - ironically - were not an issue.

Suburban church ladies and gents didn't feel comfy in the 'hood?

And now for some SHOCKING news. Bill O'Reilly, loudest enabler and cheerleader for the assassination of Dr George Tiller, is making shit up about the case.

Really, O'Reilly, the facts are bad enough. But liars gotta lie, I guess.

And I'll note again for our dim Canadian fetus fetishists -- this would not happen in a civilized society that treated abortion as a private medical procedure. You know, like Canada.

The New Normal

What do you call something that one in three women experiences? Oh look, my thesaurus is handy.

Let's see: 'common, prevalent, ordinary, average. . .'

How about normal?

A group in Cleveland, Ohio, has a started a campaign to destigmatize abortion.

We are here to create a new and positive conversation about abortion in the lives of American women. We are sponsored by a clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, and our activities are based in this area for the time being, but we are open to the stories of all women. We invite you to join us.

They cite some stats about just how prevalent abortion is.

Imagine what will happen if just a small fraction of us who have been impacted by abortion begin to break the silence! We will…

•Help women who have had abortions to not feel so alone.

•Begin to end the shame and secrecy that surrounds abortion in this country.

•Help people see abortion for what it is: a normal and necessary part of women’s reproductive lives and health.

Well, natch that 'normal' bit has got the Fetus Lobby's collective panties in a twist.

LifeShite sniffs:

This much seems apparent, that if something is normal it needs no justification. As far as I am aware, there are few parades in support of sleeping, falling in love or eating bread, and fewer websites in flagrant support of wearing clothes. Normal things are either self-evidently normal, or they ain’t normal.

Hate to quibble with the august LifeShite, but yes, indeed, there are parades to celebrate falling in love.

They look like this.



My Abortion My Life has the dough to run bus and kiosk ads for which they are predictably taking some shit. We at DJ! wish them good luck and hope that it spreads throughout the Benighted States.


Image: 2011 Pride Toronto parade