R.E.A.L. Abstinence™ … Now with photos and YouTube.

When Birth Pangs was conceived, gestated and born, we humble bloggers assumed that most of our posts would be parody: witty, silly and fun social satire. Unfortunately, there are current events and news that cannot be addressed with levity. Nonetheless we still manage to poke and prod at issues that are relevant to our concerns; sometimes with the grave attention they merit, but more often than not, with the irreverence they deserve.

Recently Heather Mallick, a talented writer, columnist and observer of social and political trends was savaged by rightwing goons, most of them from the US, because of an amusing piece she wrote about Sarah Palin in her CBC rubrique. Sadly to say, the CBC ombudsman and the publisher hung her out to dry, placating the goons instead of respecting freedom of thought.

Thus, in Heather’s honour, I fluffed up this old bit: R.E.A.L. Abstinence™, with photos and YouTube. And it’s dedicated to the multitudes of sexually inadequate Republican males.

The problem with Abstinence programs currently in vogue in the US and some parts of Canada is that they just don’t go far enough. As every religious zealot proclaims in their own defense, boys will boys, men will be men; it’s simply NOT THEIR FAULT they can’t seem to keep their ‘primitive animal’ urges under control and their willies inside their pants.

This manifests itself in the doctrine of strict Catholicism, Orthodox Judaism and Islam and their clumsy attempts to protect men from temptation and sin (aka women). As evident in thousands of years of self-justification from men accused of rape, sexual assault and incest, they say they just can’t stop themselves. And one of the unfortunate side-effects of unleashed male sexuality is female pregnancy. Not to mention the profligate spilling of man-seed. Won’t somebody please think of all the wasted semen?

Thus the time has come for the male chastity belt. In the past, such a device would have been constructed of metal. The discovery of Kevlar has provided today’s sexually abstinent and chaste folks with the perfect material to produce a design that snugly cradles the area known at “the basket” and strictly prevents undue stimulation or tampering. Of course, there is the required opening that safely allows the evacuation of urine without any mess.
Who controls the key to this device, you may well ask? So far, it would seem reasonable for a priest, rabbi or imam to become the sacred and trusted keyholders of their brethren’s genital muzzles, but it has yet to be determined who will guard the keys to the guardians’ own chastity belts.

Remember. Every sperm is sacred, every male-seed carries the potential of greatness. God, Yahveh or Allah .. each of Them is offended when sperm is not used for the purpose of procreation. Every sperm is sacred.

The R.E.A.L. Abstinence™ chastity belts are available in several sizes. The acronym stands for: Responsible, Empowered And Limp. R.E.A.L. abstinent™ men are not girly men. They are virile men who choose to give up unnecessary erections to protect women from unwanted pregnancies. They choose not to waste their sperm willy nilly. There is something noble and dignified about men who practice R.E.A.L. abstinence™.

Toll-free number: 1-800-YOUNUCH. Operators are ready to take your calls. Please have your measurements and credit cards at hand.

First posted at Birth Pangs.