Boys and Babies, Babies and Boys

My mother was notorious for her habit of forgetting the punch line to jokes. But she somehow remembered this bit of doggerel from WWII:

My name is Dan, when I grow up to be a man
I want to fight Germany and Japan, that’s if I can - I know I can.

My name is Judy, when I grow up to be a lady
I want to marry and have a baby, that’s if I can - I know I can.

My name is Stan, when I grow up to be a man
I’m gonna help Judy with her plan, that’s if I can, I know I can
To hell with Germany and Japan.

It’s odd that I remembered this when attempting to make sense of the irrational onslaught of criticism leveled at the male passengers who safely herded everyone off the bus while a homicidal psychotic killed another passenger. Then of course, there were the self-righteous who refused to recognize the connection between the shootings in a Knoxville progressive church and their hateful and murderous rightwing extremist propaganda.

At this blog, we regularly counter and hold up to ridicule the inconsistencies in the religious fundamentalist canon, a mish-mash of zygot zealotry, pro-natalist glurge and sanctimonious sexism.

Girls should be virgins; boys - not so much. The doctrine of abstinence is force-fed to children and adolescents who are told that sex is evil unless it is redeemed by breeding for God. There is mounting evidence that demonstrates the failure of abstinence-only sex education.

So, what does work? It turns out that a modest and low-key program launched in the 1980s has been quite successful in reducing the rates of teen pregnancies, the spread of STDs and …. schoolyard bullying. Why has this program not been applauded and supported on a massive scale, then?

For starters, it’s secular, thus not based on biblical threats of God’s enduring wrath. And it discourages aggressive behaviour in boys.

Myriam Miedzian devoted a whole chapter of her book ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ to analyzing how and why this program works.

"… children starting in elementary school are taught child development classes geared to their level. In the elementary school and junior high, the classes center on a parent’s bringing a baby or toddler to class once a month. The rest of the time the teacher gives the children information about the needs and behavior of babies and children. When I visited these classes, I was amazed at how involved and enthusiastic the boys were."

Miedzian discovered years ago, when she first encountered personal, irrational, and hateful attacks on her ideas, that there are many who feel threatened when the stereotype of “boys will be boys” is deconstructed and challenged.

In the introduction to the 2002 revised edition of her book, Medzian says:

"The underlying argument of this book is that in this age of advanced technology that enables machine-gunning large numbers of people in seconds, hijacking planes and using them as lethal weapons, and annihilating all life on earth through nuclear weapons, we must move away from an obsolete concept of masculinity focused on toughness, dominance, emotional detachment, callousness toward women, and eagerness to fight. ….
Even though a majority of men never commit any significant acts of violence in the course of their lives, cross-culturally a vast majority of those who do commit violence, whether criminal or in warfare, are male. And a certain percentage of the male population … is at particulary high risk for violence. But because the masculine mystique still dominates our culture, many boys with no particularly strong proclivity to violence find that part of themselves so strongly reinforced that they are led to acts of violence for which they and their victims often pay a high price."

The expression of gentleness and tenderness is allowed and validated in boys who participate in the program. In addition to the many opportunities boys have to hold babies, they ask the mothers questions about their development and their needs.

Which brings me back to those lines my Mom remembered. My Dad, the man she married and who helped her with her ‘plan’ was the oldest child of a large family. His mother endured long periods in the hospital and he was responsible for the care of his siblings then. In fact, he taught my mother all the basic parenting skills that are required for dealing with newborn infants. He was also one of the kindest, gentlest and most compassionate human beings that I’ve had the privilege of knowing.

In Canada, Roots of Empathy is an evidence-based classroom program that has been evaluated and praised for its effect in reducing levels of aggression among schoolchildren.

At the heart of the program are a neighbourhood infant and parent who visit the classroom every three weeks over the school year. A trained ROE Instructor coaches students to observe the baby’s development and to label the baby’s feelings. In this experiential learning, the baby is the “Teacher” and a lever, which the instructor uses to help children identify and reflect on their own feelings and the feelings of others. This “emotional literacy” taught in the program lays the foundation for more safe and caring classrooms, where children are the “Changers”. They are more competent in understanding their own feelings and the feelings of others (empathy) and are therefore less likely to physically, psychologically and emotionally hurt each other through bullying and other cruelties.

When sexual and homicidal violence rages against women and children , even small sparks of light in the storm are comforting.

Originally posted at Birth Pangs