The Incarnating Game

(voice-over) Heeeere’s Gabriel Angel, the host of this popular R.E.A.L.ity television show!!!

Gabriel: Today’s heavenly bachelor is God, and he is looking for a virgin who wants to get pregnant and give birth to his son. Let’s meet our three virgins right now.

(voice-over) Virgin #1 is the daughter of a movie producer who’s kept her in a secure fortress under lock and key on a remote island to preserve her innocence and of course, her virginity. Virgin #2 recently left the cloistered order of the Sisters of Perpetual Misery because she was the last nun left in the convent and it was more work to run the building than she could handle at the age of 93. Virgin #3 is a virtuoso pianist, an Olympian gold medalist in judo, a video game designer, an award-winning Cordon Bleu chef and, in her spare time, she knits hats for orphaned baby bald eaglets.

Gabriel: Now God, go ahead and ask these little ladies questions that will help you decide which virgin to pick to help you with your plan.
GOD: Virgin #1, Is your father Jewish?
Virgin #1: Duh, is the Pope Catholic? My dad’s name is like, Reuben. That’s totally not gentile.
GOD: Virgin #3, What does your father think of your work with the orphans?
Virgin #3: He says they’re cute when they’re babies but to dump them if they grow up to be doves. He says that predaTory birds are more like our own kind.
GOD: Virgin #2, Who’s your Daddy?
Virgin #2: You are, Dear God (her quaking voice rising to a crescendo) as you are also my blessed bridegroom since I took my vows 80 years ago.
GOD: Is it that long ago? Gosh, time sure flies when you’re having fun.
Gabriel Angel: While God is preparing another round of questions for the virgins, we’ll go to a commercial break for this fine product.
Gabriel Angel: We’re back and God has some more questions for the virgins.
GOD: Virgin #3, your voice seems very familiar. Do you have a part-time job staffing the phone line at 1-900-PATMYBUM while working on your PhD in Anthropology, on “The Post-Economic Puzzle of Polish Pole-Dancers in the Pre-Soviet Collapse of the Zloty”?
Virgin #3: God, that’s amazing. How did you know that?
GOD: (modestly) Well, I am God. I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake. I know if you’ve been bad or good ….
Virgin #3: oh. Oh! uh-oh.
GOD: Virgin #2, I don’t actually have any more questions for you because you have been sharing all your thoughts with me for the last eight decades and, Theresa, I have to tell you: the mystery is gone. And as you know, religious belief is all about the mystery. So, moving on to Virgin #1, do you think that your dad would get me a role in one of his television shows, being that the critics say that his sitcoms are “godless pieces of garbage” and “wallowing in the third circle of Hell”?
Virgin #1: Like, God, my dad would be SO bummed if somebody in the business begat his grandson. But it would be totally awesome if you gave him the franchise rights after the Holy Birth.
GOD: Done deal. Forty-nine percent of the net retail sales, after taxes. Oh and another thing, he has to convert to Christianity.
Virgin #1: Christianity …. what’s that?
GOD: Ooops, I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. Never mind, you’ll find out in thirty years from now.
Soaring harp music, a chorus of angels singing as the camera turns to and zooms in on ….
Gabriel Angel: Another match made in Heaven …. Thanks for watching folks. And remember to tune in again, this time next week for the best hook-up show on television, The Incarnating Game. We’ll have Rosemary, a bachelorette burning with unholy desire for a son spawned by a Prince of Darkness.

For the faint-hearted who feel that this spoof of the vintage TV show, ‘The Dating Game’ is sacrilegious, tasteless or irreverent, please consider this: Anyone can play God. The anti-choice criminalizers and fetus-fetishizers do it all the time. Why should they have a monopoly on putting words in God’s mouth?
Originally posted at Birth Pangs.